08.22.07
Teenagers, “You Have To” or “Choose for Yourself”
I have raised four teenagers, and have two more ages 14 and 16. I continue to find the balance between “Choose for Yourself”, and “You have to do this because I know what is best for you”. Here are a couple of questions that I ask myself when deciding between “You Have To” or “Choose for Yourself” decisions.
1. How do I rate the choice my child is making: Unimportant, Kind of Important, Important, or Very Important.
For example:
If they want to wear a pink and brown t-shirt instead of a green and blue button down shirt, I could care less. Or if they would want yogart instead of cereal for breakfast, I don’t care and I consider these decisons as “Unimportant“.
They want to have a sleep over at a trusted friend’s house, but you feel they need to get a good night’s rest to compete in their track meet the next day, or they want to buy a gaming machine that I feel is a waste of money. I would consider these decision as ”Kind of Important”. Most of the time, decisions in this category have natural consequences that teach them to make better choices the next time.
I would rather work construction than go to college. I hate math and I am not going to do my homework tonight. I would categorize these decisions as “Important”. I have found that letting my children work a minimum wage job or some grungy job teaches them to quickly to apply themselves in school.
I am going to stay overnight at my boyfriend’s house. My friend offered me some cigarettes. Any decision that compromises moral values and character, I consider “Very Important”.
2. How will this decison affect them in the future? Will the natural consequences of this decision teach them a lesson about morals, responsibility, or relationships, or would it be better for them to wait a year or so to mature and grow up a little more before making this decision
3. What do my senses tell me is the best for this child? Sometimes the reason we as parents do things is “just because” we feel it is right; we don’t always need to give them an explanation of why.
I think when kids are young they need parameters, but then I think it is best to gradually modify the parameters to guidelines that give them a little added freedom each year. This added agency will give our children the opportunity to practice making decisions before they are adults facing many important, or very important decisions.